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Drea California XO

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Stumbled down the rabbit hole again... [18 Aug 2013|08:16pm]

Another year lost to faint white scars that cover my arms in an intricate, lace pattern. Lying to myself, crying when my parents tell me they're celebrating my year of sobriety. Looking upon the sleeping form of the man I love with guilt, feeling as though he never would have walked this path again if it wasn't for me. Searching, poking and bleeding for hours as I wonder if I will hit my target. Feeling both revolt and relief when I hand my 120 of hard earned cash over to make sure we're well another day. These are my days, one crashing in to another until they piled on top of me to form another year lost to my addictions.

Everything else is so normal and perfect. Family love, work, movies and Sunday dinner. The money I make is so good that our lives should be better; I made 2500 last week because I act as a decoy to a gay man who lives in a conservative world. He takes me shopping in between his dinner engagements where I wear pretty clothes and hang on his arm. Last week was a luncheon where I caught a buzz on fine champagne followed by a shopping spree he treated me to to get a dress for the evening convention as well as work clothes at Victoria's Secret and whatever else he thought looked good on me. He sent me home with 2000 for bills (my silence and time), a bottle of fine champagne and wine and bags full of assorted goodies as I left him to meet his young boyfriend in secret. I have been longing for the days where I could afford things, where shopping and feminine finery is in my reach once again but nothing hit so hard as the moment he handed me that money and I knew most of it was going to keep me well another day. I followed that day with a 500 dollar/600/300 dollar spread at work and it made me want to throw up. I got my nails done for the first time since Austin, went shopping and paid our bills. Bought my man things he wanted. This is the way it should be. Not orange caps, dark lady heroin and blown out veins. My mind longs for knowledge, my desire to become a vet and business woman so clear now that I see them in my dreams. Our beautiful California only one road block away.

And yet, I am so scared of the sickness, of losing out when my best customers text me to let me know they're coming to the club. Beyond those layers, I am just so afraid that I am not strong enough. Me, with my verging on perfect 119 pounds, with my ideal diet (fruit, veggies, lean protein and complex carbs), a girl who spends her days perfecting her dance and makeup, making homemade natural skin care that leads others to ask me why I have no lines why my skin glows. And it shouldn't, with my awful habits... Me, the girl who is so stubborn and hard that I hardly have any fear left, a girl on the verge of true womanhood who has been crushed and trampled by life so much only to reemerge from the broken body that once was to push on. So why is this so hard to me? I know that I am so close to all my dreams, if I can just let go and for the first time ever I can honestly say I want this to be the end, for my dangerous love affair to be OVER. I am in the best shape of my life, true athletic shape no wasting away anorexic hell and I'm so passionate about women's rights, volunteering at a woman's shelter, marketing, veterinary medicine, business and modeling but this one thing stands in my way. Womanhood is here, knocking on my door, whispering in my ear the sweet nothing's I need to escape my abusive five and a half year lover.

I try tomorrow, god help me.

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[14 May 2013|02:04am]

We are considering a move to Phoenix. The clubs up there would provide a better income for me, I'd book more modeling jobs and my sweetie could peruse his acting career, since Tucson is greatly lacking in the arts department, and have some new work on his résumé before we leave for LA. Also, despite the love I have for my mother in law, living with her while waiting for our home to sell has been brutal. She reasoned that its be cheaper for us to contribute to her household expenses rather than stay in our home, thus allowing us to save even more money. We are hoping to have the jeep paid off and repaired, while putting a deposit down on an apartment in Phoenix. This is a gamble, when we should just buy another home and settle down but neither of us are ready to settle down in one place just yet. I have no intention of having children anytime soon (I simply do not like them and am not sure if I'll ever have one) and aspire to travel, peruse my degree and live life. I like the idea of living in many beautiful places, then deciding what suits us best. My love must also chase his dream, or I fear that he will never be fully satisfied in life.

This is the year we are going to make it happen, we have a plan. Now that the haze of our addiction has cleared and we can see our future we are going after it with the zest for life that heroin once robbed us of. I still feel so young, frozen in limbo for nearly five years will do that to your mind set. Somehow, I feel as though I'm eighteen and have just gained my freedom.

My niece in law came over for Mother's Day on Sunday, it was a disaster on her part. She loathes my husband and I, unable to forgive our past. She is under the impression that she is perfect and has done no wrong, that her degree in teaching (which she ended up hating and quitting to be a stay at home mom, forcing my nephew to work 60+ hours a week), her three children and tract house are things that make her better than all of us (my entire family, excluding my mother in law) and we are beneath her. What she doesn't seem to understand is that for one, I know she was given a pity marriage when she became pregnant. My nephew had already broken up with her, but did "the right thing". My suspicions that my nephew has considered cheating her were confirmed by his brother. She also does not realize that I could have had her simple, boring life but took the road less traveled. I've made my share of mistakes along the way, but they have served as life lessons and made me a stronger woman who is more certain of her choices. I am grateful that I didn't acquire my degree at a young, traditional age as I would have resented what I ended up doing. I also know that I want to travel and explore, something that a 2000 dollar mortgage payment wouldn't allow me to do. When I do settle down, it'll be in a beautiful home I love, not a tract home we had to rush to buy with a baby on the way. Having ventured down the rockier road of life, I have been prepared for tough times and will have a deeper appreciation for the good. I am proud of who I am, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Anyhow, my husband finally had it with her bullshit and how rudely she treated me (she is also cruel to our animals, know who else is cruel to animals? Serial killers) and called her out on it. I adore him, hehe.

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[02 May 2013|11:12pm]

We ran down the rabbit hole, you and I, skipping merrily down to the bitter darkness we had so often shared.

Then the day came, I got the call on a pay phone at work. I heard the sadness in your voice.

"Hey babe, where's the fire? I've been doing really well to tonight, killing it."

"You need to come home now."

"What? Why?"

Three little words, crashing down on our entire family like a tidal wave and rippling through each one of is.

"Travis is dead."

I just remember screaming, falling to the floor and finding my way blindly to the cab.

My thirty two year old nephew, recently engaged, recovering alcoholic. Apparently, not that deep in to his recovery. Dead.

You and I did what we do best, toss a black lump into silver and let it burn. The funeral, the wake, the party - all unreal because we were floating far away. This couldn't be our new reality; Travis was supposed to grow old with us, marry his sweetheart, help build the food selection of the bed and breakfast we so often dream of for our retirement.

Three weeks pass, more of the same. Autopsy results are in! Lo' and behold, my beloved nephew died of a morphine overdose. Anyone who has done heroin and been drug tested will know that most pills can be ruled out, and the only thing that breaks down in to morphine is morphine pills and heroin..

So one day, we find each other, my arms slick with blood and creased from the tie. Make up stains darken my eyes, tears streaking my face. You have tears in your eyes, too and I know. We know. I've said I'd quit before when, in the back of my mind, I knew I wasn't ready. This time, I know it's for keeps.

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[17 Mar 2013|02:14am]

My nephew passed away and I am heart broken. 32 years old. Really makes you think about how short life can be. He was so full of joy, a lust for life and all of its pleasures. He had just met the woman he pllanned on marrying, their wedding was to be this fall. And in the blink of an eye, he's gone.

I was at work when I got the news, the ladies I work with had to help me up off of the floor, dress me. If it wasn't for Travis, my husband and I probably wouldn't even be together since he's the one who encouraged my love to presue me..

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[20 Feb 2013|07:25pm]

I have an amazing husband, and amid all of my anger, self loathing, when I was happy to crash and burn, I tried to push him away, screaming silently at him a question I myself could only answer. "WHO AM I!?" And it rang out in my head as I raced away from him, from Arizona, from my home towards Austin. I blamed him and continued to do so while I went on drunken party benders in the heart of Texas, not really caring much for life or death. I wanted to assault my senses as much as I could, I wanted to be free, Free, FREE!!

Then, as I sat in a shitty hotel room after wrecking my car and not having enough cab fare to make the 45 minutes drive to my parents home, my card over drawn and the insane amounts of money I was making dried up, I allowed myself to realize what I'd known all along - I was running from me, the man who truly loved me with every fiber of his being and the things I had not been strong enough to stand up to. I was running from the grasp of mortality and time, tickling their icy fingers at my feet, a reminder of waking up after five long years of use with nothing to show and no one to blame but myself. He could no more have stopped me than he could have stopped a freight train. I'm stubborn like that..

It was then that I started to ask the right questions, make the effort to rebuild what I tore down. And he once again accepted me with open, loving and understanding arms. He made the effort, we worked on what was really bothering me and I'm so happy that I was able to come back from the brink, swaying on my tippy toes right on the edge.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[20 Feb 2013|06:44pm]

There is nothing like sitting back, sipping my choice drink while reading a good book, nestled in the arms of the man I love. It is snowing outside, for the first time in six or seven years. I am blissfully content, having found the original spark of love and joy my husband originally brought me.

I've come to realize that I wasn't fighting hard enough for the things in life that inspire passion in my very soul. The two of us have worked through so much, compromising and setting a course through life together. I even convinced him to give me his blessing to continue my exotic dancing. He sees the reward, the lifestyle we can afford and doesn't complain. I will be returning to school, perusing a degree in veterinary medicine and plan on surprising him with a trip to the Caribbean. We will also be selling our home in AZ and finally moving out to LA, visiting this April for our six year anniversary to look for places.

Dropping my addiction, seeing clearly for the first time in years has put our dreams on the fast track to becoming our reality. I've been writing again, and once I purchase my new lap top I will be updating more, as updating on my iPhone isn't ideal.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[14 Aug 2012|11:24am]

I'm finally clean. Three Weeks clean to be exact.. Aside from some coke and booze. My husband and I are back together. Cassie broke my heart a few times over, after I was there for her nonstop. My adopted street brother has been going in and out of jail, now that he's on probation.. I was stripping, making mad cash, to the tune of six to eight hundred a night. Every penny was going up my arm, atleast I have one thing to show for it.. I bought myself a kick ass TV and a new laptop. I'm going out to Austin to visit my parents for two weeks and I plan on dancing at one of the local clubs, since my husband isnt cool with it but we need the money.. I figure if I am not shooting up then I can make mad bank. I wish he would get comfortable with the idea..


I also now weigh 115, the smallest I've been since I was nineteen!

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welcome to LA [21 Jun 2009|07:27am]
i am so at ease here it feels like anything is possible. i think i will cry when i see the ocean. pictures soon to come.
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[26 Nov 2008|10:07am]
Trying to get myself back on the wagon again. It is so hard when to me, smoking a hit is like having an after work/after dinner cock tail. Went to a bonfire party the other night in my little mini-dress and trench coat, everyone was smoking pot and it was total torture since I haven't indulged in over a year and a half, thanks to my fiance's situation and the fact that I'm hopelessly in love and devoted to him. None of them do the H anymore, so it was kind of awkward. Thing is, it isn't even really a problem for me. We just can't afford to be spending forty dollars a day. So, we left and did a hit in the car, then tried to sneak me in to TDs - a strip club. No such luck, although I felt like the coat check girl was hitting on me. I will be returning there for my 21st.

Somewhat sexually explicit, maybe TMI..Collapse )

Turkey day tomorrow. What to do, what to do.. I must avoid over eating. I'm playing hostess so I'll be scurying around with aphetamines in my veins and a glass of wine in my hand. I need to lose fifteen more pounds, I've been practically surviving on green tea and heroin, but it seems I've hit a wall and cannot get below what I am now.

I have yet to hear back from Citron. I really need this job! I've decided that I need to upgrade my clothing; I no longer feel like a girl who should wear flip flops and a deniem skirt with a tear in it. I feel classy, think ballet flats, tailored jeans, lots of dresses and matching jewlery. Sexy pencil skirts and lacey tops. Tennis shoes only for working out. But that takes money that I just do not have right now. Cross you fingers for me!

Cocktails tonight at the Firkin, followed by a get together at home. I have a million plus things to do before tonight/tomorrow! Thank god for adderall.
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[18 Feb 2008|07:27pm]
The news on our Akita is good.
There are a few possibilities, but none of
them are life threatening.

As I'm driving along, "Ms. New Booty"
comes on the radio. I suppose it'd be more
like Ms Old Booty now, and that made me think
about how times have changed for me. Two years
ago, when I had just turned eighteen, I was dancing
on top of the higher level 2 by 2 platform with four
other people in a gay night club to that song.
My bestest gay friend. Poor, sad Trista. Nameless
girl with annoying laugh. And my ex's little sister.
We snorted vicodin and drank vodka in the parking lot,
were senselessly messed up and blissful, singing and dancing
as loud and fast as we could. My only worry back then
was weither or not my shoes were comfortable enough
to dance in and if not how long I could go without
taking a break. And getting home either before or after
my dad left for work.

Now the only one consuming any painkiller is the dog
and my shoe choices are based on how fast I can get them
on and off when I'm done for the day.

But if you look at the picture comparison, I think it's
obvious that I'm happier now than I was back then.

See?Collapse )

Anyhow.. enough about the past.
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The 'official' friends-only post [15 Jan 2004|06:30am]
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

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